Friday, March 12, 2010

trying to find the balance

The title to this post sounds like the beginning of something very Zen. I don't mean making sure my desk has the right amount of supplies on each side, because although I do really like symmetry when I organize, I don't. Organize, that is--or, well, I do so rarely. The real point of this post, and I'm getting to it four sentences in (as opposed to four paragraphs), is:

On the one hand, I have to turn to Scripture to affirm, to reaffirm where my identity and worth lie. I am a daughter of the King, I am a servant and God chose me. True that I'm also broken, but I'm being restored. True that my nature is anything but godly, but apparently he thinks it's worth even dying to reconcile me to himself. I am what he is in me, what he is making me into. And he loves the heck out of me--literally even loves the hell out of me.

On the other, I am to be humble. Again, a servant. "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 Arrogant, proud, haughty? None of these stand. And I find God nudging me toward this, gently pointing out the places where I lift up myself instead of my God.

When I first thought about this a week or so ago, I couldn't understand how two things that seem to clash happen together. If there should be an issue, shouldn't it be that I am either riddled with insecurities or that I'm really arrogant? One, either, but surely not both. But I find myself having to remind myself of where my worth is, and, at the same time, in different parts of me, I catch myself starting on a road that leads surely to arrogance.

I have to remember that I should be confident of things in the Lord, in him, in his work. Not my own knowledge of such and such. I have to remember that it is his work in me, not my work in myself. If I understand both of these things, then I come to this:

I am worth the Lord dying in my place specifically because he did so, and I'm fully dependent on that, too. I am worth something bigger than I can put into words, but it's life support--if I pull the plug, that's it. So I am to be confident of the thing that gives me life while not confusing it for my own ability to go on living. I have to remember one without forgetting the other.

What all this means as far as grace, where it fits in, I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking about it though. Also, I do want to note, because I am all the time worried about this when I write blogs, I know that blogs tend to be me me me, and especially so if they're super introspective. That said, when I write about this kind of thing, I don't want to sound like I'm preaching. This is what God's teaching me, what it looks like in my life, and what I hope is that it can help.

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