Wednesday, December 19, 2012

acest har

I wrote this on the plane over here, in Romanian because it felt more private and none of the people next to me could read it. Forgive the mistakes. Anyway, because it's late and I needed reminding:

m-am trezit la 430—cam 3 ore de somn, totusi ma simteam bine, treaza. si cand am plecat, stateam acolo pe langa masina lui mike, si am vazut din nou ce scrie pe his tags: har. in stilul meu de a gandi romangleza, am botezat-o ‘har-mobile’ si mereu cand o vad, ma gandesc la asta, la harul lui dumnezeu. si chiar atunci, dis de dimineata, culoarea portocaliu becurilor, toate nemiscate, asta era adevarat.

ce har am in el. o sa ma duca inapoi prin harul lui—si daca nu, tot e prin harul lui sa raman acolo. o clipa scurta, doar un moment, dar stiu--chiar daca nu sunt eu--sunt convinsa ca dumnezeul meu e neschimbat.

ce sa fac cu asta? un pas, si inca un pas, in linistea diminetii. sa ascult.

sunt recunoscatoare. si m-a prins nadejde, oarecum. nu ca stiu—sincer, habar n-am ce o sa se intample. dar imi sopteste, acest dumnezeu, imi cunoaste inima.

“el imi cunoaste numele, cu tot ce am eu sunt al lui.”

dumnezeule, tata, te laud ca esti bun, esti plin de har, si imi aduci aminte in mod constant de acest har. ma gandesc la un oras luminat, ca ne sustii in timp ce dormim, ca ne trezesti dimineata ca sa auzim vocea ta. am plecat si tot este imaginea asta in coltul ochiului meu, in coltul inimii si oriunde ma duci, esti cu mine.

this is what's up

Also there's another one with our mother and it is so hysterical you will pee. She looks like a cartoon that is about to explode. We're not sure how it happened but we've been banned from ever publishing it.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to get on here to write something before then, but if not: merry Christmas, y'all!

Monday, December 10, 2012

being back, all the strange and good

Sitting back down to this, swung over here across a continent and ocean, I remember that it is Advent, that two years ago this time I was also waiting and wondering. Except I know the answer. "S-a nascut Mantuitorul, Domnul si Izbavitorul."

It's good being back. It smells the same--I'm adjusting already, but Sunday morning breathing in you could tell how close to the ocean we are, the air different altogether. The eggs are really strange, really rubbery besides being what look like unnatural colors. The milk is incredible, though. I have missed the milk.

And it's milder. Warm, even. Tomorrow morning we might get up and see the sunrise over the ocean, all bundled in hoodies because it's fifty degrees out. That's something American I've missed: hoodies. The idea of bundling in one, though, and listening to people say it's freezing at that temperature seems foreign now.

That's it, mostly. Settling back in has been quick and easy, picking up an old life. A lot of good things have come together, mostly in unexpected ways.


This has been sitting as a draft since last week. It was too cloudy to see the sun come up so today, ten days after I got here, eight since I've been in Wilmington, I drove down to the south end of Wrightsville. It's different altogether. The dunes on the left are all gone and the water looked much closer (although it may have just been high tide). I'd forgotten how much wind comes off the water, the constant sound of the whole body of it moving. You don't hear it when you always do, so I walked and listened, mostly, watched the finer sand blow across the beach. It was like watching fog roll in, only sped up. A different set of tides.

Meanwhile it's snowing in Romania. And I am breathing in salt air, the taste of the sound in the back of my throat. And warm enough to prance around without shoes and in short sleeves and chase the seagulls, wind and hair and just about anything else not tied down whipping around. I think even the way we talk was blowing around in it, a hopeful rocking swaying sound. A thing you can catch. Or that catches you. Maybe I just mean the whole thing's caught me.

I think that's enough for now. Last night I had my first group FD presentation. Only four more to go this week. If you're the praying type...