This month it's been heavy heavy heavy, just one post after another, and so I promise I've got a funny one coming up, a story about how I was trapped hiding underneath a comforter on my couch because a cable guy had come into my living room and I wasn't wearing pants. So until then, if you'll give me one more, I've got another one to write out.
I know it's the same thing again and again, and mostly this is for me I suppose, mostly I'm just processing and feeling this out. I do know that I'm continually surprised by how much I find myself caring about the kinds of things I write on here, and I say that more as a testament to how God will sow things into your heart in ways you don't guess. And I'm just like, well I'll take it then. Hrmmm. Right. I know it's boring to read about the same thing over and over, so from this point on, I'm strictly processing, and feel free to wait till the next post, or read at your own risk.
I'm going on about movies again. The thing is, I put them on as background while I work on homework or when I want to wind down but I'm not in the mood to read, so I do watch then fairly frequently. And on the one hand, I can think of a hundred reasons why I shouldn't be watching them. It really probably is better to read, I like to be outside, and as much as I like to see things that rile me up as far as what I care about, I don't want to become desensitized. But I saw this movie called Tsotsi last night. And first of all, that movie is just gold mine, linguistically. They speak in this language called Tsotsitaal, which is a creole of I don't even know how many languages. Afrikaans, English, Xhosa, Tswana, Zulu--not sure what else. It's funny because listening to it, you could hear the English words very clearly. It takes the grammar of one language (usually Afrikaans?) and uses words and expressions from all the different languages. And it was originally a gangster language. Just amazing. Countries like South Africa and half the European countries--they're so lingual, it just blows my mind.
So anyway, I was watching and I thought it was really good, and in the end it wasn't a movie that moved me necessarily, but all of a sudden I was just crying, and not like my eyes teared up crying, but sniffling and running nose and eyes all red and my face all twisted up, which hasn't happened since Return of the King. And again, it wasn't because it was one of those movies that floored me. I was thinking about the main character. How hard life had been to him, and how hardened he had become. And I know that, even though we're all broken, we're born into sin, all of that, we don't start off as hardened as that. And it just hit me, how hard life is, how it makes people. And it's just all so messed up and there I was crying for the way that's real and I half couldn't believe it because it wasn't exactly the movie making me do it, and I don't know. It's overwhelming. I think that's something I'll almost certainly encounter in mission work, and heck, that's everybody, everywhere. And what can you do in the face of something so big like that? I've said it before, but there's this tug and I want to help. Most times I could care less about sending money (as guilty as I feel about that) but I wouldn't think twice about spending all my money to go there, wherever there is, and help--I'd be over there in a heartbeat, but how could I help? What do you do? It's just so big.
And the surprising thing about all that is this: one the one hand, when I see stuff like this, when I read things in these books I'm reading, the desire to go, to just go and serve is getting stronger. But on the other hand, the more into this semester I get, the more I want to stay. It's part that as I'm investing in more people's lives, as I pray for them more and know them more, I don't want to leave them. I've always thought that since I'm not particularly close to my family (I would miss them, of course, but I've kind of been doing my own thing for the last four years) and I'm single, there's not really anything tying me down, and I could just go. But then I start thinking about my roommates and friends and the people who are my family in InterVarsity and all the people here that I love and I can't imagine not having relationships with them like I do now. I never thought I'd think twice about leaving, but here I am on what might be the edge of it and suddenly I'm hesitating, wondering how could I leave this behind?
So I'm just sort of a mix of things, right now. On the one hand, ready to go because it breaks my heart not to, because there's just this pull toward it, and I know that it's in my future somewhere. But I'm realizing now that it's starting to be just as hard to leave. So what next? As always, we'll see. I'm kind of one foot in the door, one out, just praying, now, and I don't know. Mm.