Tuesday, November 3, 2009

just sort of a collection of thoughts

This always seems to happen. And it's always with my hair. And the funny thing is, I'm not a crazy hair kind of person. I'm a pretty average, dark hair kind of person. But my roommate was upstairs and she was putting this reddish stuff in her hair, cinnaberry something, and then there was extra in the bottle and before I knew it, there I was rationalizing it for about three seconds, saying, well in the sun my hair gets reddish highlights and I tried to do purple streaks last semester and it didn't turn out and then the stuff was in my hair. It actually kind of worked out because my hair's so dark--not quite black, but about as dark as you can get without actually being black--and there's little short of bleaching it that holds. So cinnaberry in my hair turned about to be something more like a really dark red/purple that still looks pretty natural and you can only really see in the sun. More like the suggestion of red/purple rather than red/purple itself. Well, then. Here's to that whim.

Today it was the coldest it's been yet, although I doubt it got below fifty, and I started shivering for the first time since I was in Romania. And a few nights ago I learned four chords on a guitar and played them for two or three hours, mostly just trying not to be scared, but my fingertips on my left hand still feel strange, they way they do when they're un-numbing after being in the cold. And I will say that trying to play a guitar, that playing a guitar very badly helps a lot with being scared (more on this later, most likely when it's daylight), and although the part of me that loves hands objects, I'll take the funny feeling fingertips.

And now it's daylight savings time, fall backward. And it was almost dark riding my bike home twenty after five. And I'm just thinking about things, everything kind of scattered. Scattered thoughts, everything bits and pieces and I'm certain this all fits together somehow. I'm thinking about the movie I should never have seen, how going to bed at night has been really hard for over two weeks. And daylight savings time, winter getting closer. This all sounds very dark but I don't mean it like that. As always I'm thinking about the way the air feels. And movement. I'm not sure how that terrible movie relates to that, but I feel like there's movement in the direction of something big, and I don't know what. But it has to do with it getting colder, and I don't know how to type that in any way that doesn't sound like I'm being emo.

I think the thing is just that I've got a lot of things floating around in my head, and it all wants to be processed and understood and fit together, and I feel like it does fit, like there is some sense to be made of it all.

I'm just thinking. I'm looking forward to this: driving eighteen hours or however many it is to URBANA. I can't tell you why, except I love car trips and I'm excited that we're leaving the night before and driving through till morning. But I'm looking forward to it more than pre-Turkey Day Celebration and even when Christmas break starts. Everything else'll be stressful in one way or another, but there's nothing like just riding. And talking and listening to music and watching the lights in the dark, and unfolding the country between here and St. Louis in a car full of people you'd rather be with than anyone else.


  1. Sarawr, these are the types of posts i love to read the most, for some reason. maybe it's because i love looking at pieces & how they could maybe fit together but it doesn't really matter anyway in the end, because of course they fit together, but maybe not how we thought. i'm getting more & more like this, more fond of disjointed writing. i guess that's okay. right? i really don't know what that says about me.

    & oh goodness, i very much second the looking-forward-to-the-car-trip. baaaahhhh. yesyes.

    ever notice that i only tend to comment on your blog crazy late at night? sorry, love. sometimes i only ever have things to say when it's late.


  2. jamie, you and i are so much alike, and it's funny because i would ask that same question, i do ask that same question. what does this say about me? not that it necessarily dictates what i do, although in some cases i do care, and almost always my interest is just out of those curiosity things, not because i actually mean to change anything based on it. you know? the sort of thing you respond with: huh. or /wow, that's so interesting/ and then go on with whatever you're doing. and thanks for commenting =) i'ma go look at yours now. for some reason it doesn't show when you update on the side anymore. not sure why.

  3. I've always wanted to try a different hair color. Maybe red streaks on my black hair. It sounds a little expensive though.
    I can't wait to take my Christmas break...

  4. I really enjoyed reading this today, especially since all day I've had this weird feeling that I need to stop and take time to process my life, try to get myself up to speed. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, but very little concrete answering. The drive to DC helped, and I have a seven-hour one coming up, so here's to hoping I resolve something. Anyway just wanted to let you know that I approve of scattered thoughts, spontaneous cinnaberry and late night guitar playing.