Sunday, April 12, 2009

going going going

I have a crazy imagination. I always have, and it's always gotten me into a ton of trouble. I've been spending my Easter break doing little more than watching season eight of ER and reading, emphasis on the first, and so right now all I can think about are a hundred different scenarios that would land me in the hospital and how the wonderful doctors and nurses would take care of me and how it would all play out afterward. I'll have to think of really good one to put on here. Currently, the roommate, who has been watching ER with me, is also blogging about ER. You should read it.

I'm so bad, though. I mean, I'm always talking about going out with a bang. Not actually always talking about it, but when it comes up, that's usually the arguing stance. I figure I'm gonna go when I'm gonna go, and there's not much changing that. Maybe I just like to climb on things and jump off things and go running around during hurricanes and taking advantage of my right of way as a pedestrian at a crosswalk even if a car's coming (quickly) because even if they hit me I had the right away. Right away is such a strange expression.

Speaking of, I think about that kind of thing constantly. I've been doing it more and more since I've been learning more spanish, and I think basically I'm in perma-language mode. But think about that. I mean, I suppose it's true for most expressions, but it makes little sense to me, much less someone who doesn't speak English natively. Actually, just kidding, I'm an idiot. Right of way. Not right away, right of way. Okay, well it still doesn't make complete sense, denotatively. I mean, I think I love language for that reason--of course there are a hundred others, but that's one of those reasons. When I have kids one day, it's going to blow my mind when they start talking. Language acquisition and all, oh man. Absolutely fascinating. I'm gonna be like, holy crap my kid is forming sentences. In one of the episodes of ER I saw today Dr. Corday was saying goodbye to her baby Ella and she and the babysitter were kind of trying to teach her to say it. And I guess that makes sense to me. When people leave they always say goodbye, so first you learn that you should say it then, and at some time later you won't ever remember (or if you do please write about it because that could be a powerful story or essay or whatever, probably really sad but beautiful and those are the best, says the romantic) it becomes a meaning and not just a cue. It becomes a feeling and an emotion and a hundred memories. And it's just a sound. You're just a baby and it's just these weird gigantic people around you making all these sounds at you all the time and then one day you start to use them and one day they start to shape your whole world. That is why I love words. Really.

You know what? This felt like the most random and pointless and meaningless post ever and now I feel a little better, like I said something actually worth saying.

And now back to the random: This really has been an amazingly relaxing Easter break. Absolutely unproductive, and dang near perfect because of it. Oh crap, now I'm thinking about the performance I have in less than a week and the scholarship I have to fill out and send out in a few days and three more weeks of please let this be over classes and then possibly failing one of them (seriously? Yes, seriously. I'm hopeless.), but bump that. No. I don't think so. Right now it's just Romania in the summer and Rockbridge in a month, the summer filled with working and MarioKart parties and hanging out in the sun, house being way too hot all the time. The south end of Wrightsville before the sun goes down and all the orientations with the new freshmen who look older than I do. I can't wait till summer. Only a few more weeks.

And you know what else? I keep having these things I want to blog about and then I don't get around to it or I'm not in the right mood or there's some reason, some thing that keeps me from doing it. One of those things was how the other day I talked to Alicia's dad and little brother on the phone (in spanish, baby--and we understood each other, bam!) and her dad asked me when I was going to come back, if I was going to come in June. Now, the thing for me with Hispanic people is that in all the presentational culture-y stuff, a lot of times I don't know if the things they're offering are just formalities or if they're actual offers. I think he meant it, but I can't be sure. And I was all excited about the chance of flying down there for two weeks, and I would love more than anything to go. But I think, because of a few different things, that I'm going to have to wait this time. So there's that.

I don't know about the rest. It's all Sun Drop induced. It's off the wall. It's hey now run on sentence, throw a comma or a period in there please, I'd like to breathe when I read, but nono, this is how I think and this is how you'll get it even if it seems like my brain is throwing up onto the page sometimes, and my r key has been sticking the whole time but at least I've backspaced and edited for that, so if it doesn't make sense, just remember how hard it would be if there weren't any r's--it's all about thinking about the right thing, right?

I feel like this is my life. That it's going to be something like this. Two days ago I got my hair cut without much pre-consideration. I just did it. Last summer I bought a plane ticket to Colombia on a whim. I've never been on either side of the fence with this--never been overly impulsive, but I haven't been too decided. That's not that exactly the right word, but whatever the adjective is for someone who carefully decides. Deliberate? No, but I feel like it begins with d. But my best decisions have been made when I decided to throw slow deliberation out the window and let go and just do things. When I stop worrying and over-analyzing. I got a dang amazing haircut. How awesome is that? I hardly ever like my haircuts, and this one I can't stop talking about. So maybe I'll do something else crazy. I've come full circle and I didn't even mean to. Maybe I'll keep jumping off things and letting go and being a little risky and living and dreaming, and maybe I'll do it unfiltered, all of me on my sleeves, crazy stream of conscious and making no sense at all, but going going going.

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