"where you invest your love, you invest your life"

Back in May when Rockbridge was over I found myself very suddenly on the other side of something that had been a--well, I'm not even sure what to call it. I mean everything InterVarsity was for me. They took care of me and I cared for them and it's funny how this group of people and everything that it was is something I could never find one descriptor for. Just living, moving. What surprised me, though, what brought on the feeling of suddenness was that I realized that all the things I especially cared about for my friends were things I couldn't work at with them anymore. That's not fully true--but I am graduated and it looks different.

The last couple of nights, my roommate and I have been talking about evangelism and everything to do with that that she'll be leading for the next semester. Leaving that was probably the part of graduating that made me most hesitant--everything else I'll miss, but this I still want so much for. And after two years of leading this, even in the months since graduating I'm understanding things I didn't before.

Last night we talked about how it seems so often (in the context of our experiences with students on an extremely passive campus in a very nominally Christian part of the country) we're forcing this on people and how evangelism shouldn't be a checklist of things to get through and then be done with or something we have to do. And I thought about how when you love something, wherever your heart it, that's what comes out all the time. I have friends who love music, who you can't have a conversation with without them bringing it up. And I have other friends whose conversations always come back to a boy or a girl. I talk about Romania all the time. I don't mean to say that these things are being put in front of God or anything like that--how do I know?--only that wherever your heart is, whatever's in it, it pours out.

What if it were like this with God? I think ''evangelism'' would be so much more natural if it were--conversations about him would come up more naturally and it wouldn't be so much something we are obligated to do but something we just spill over with. What if evangelism weren't a heavy word with too many negative connotations, but instead was a synonym for God being the center of our lives, our very identity, and all that that implies? What if basing your whole life out of the knowing and loving of God were the definition of evangelizing? I think the way this looks is not limited by any means to the traditional sense of open air preaching or going door-to-door or handing out Bibles. You are passionate about the environment and it shows--so with whatever you care about. If you are passionate about the Lord then evangelism is in some ways is the natural by-product (barring things like being nervous or afraid or whatever challenge).

Why would I buy something from someone who didn't believe in the product? (The double meaning with the word believe is unfortunate here because a lot of the times the issues with motivation and evangelism aren't that we don't believe in God but that we don't know him or want to. Also, the metaphor about buying and selling and calling it a product is kind of unfortunate too... but bear with me.) And how could I ever expect someone to ''sell'' something their heart isn't in? Of course they're going to do the minimum requirement, of course they're going to want checklists and feel like it's an obligation. It's like in Walk the Line when Johnny is trying to sell whatever he's selling door to door--he just ends up going back to music and the recording studio. Well, of course. It's what he loves. He doesn't love washing machines, or whatever he's selling.

I'm thinking of Isaiah 43:10. "'You are my witnesses,' declares the LORD, 'and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no other god was formed, nor will there be one after me.'" So that you may know and believe me (yet it doesn't say 'that the rest of the world will know me' or 'so all the people who aren't Christians will know me'). He chose us as his servants and witnesses--evangelism is this, yes? Saying this is who the Lord is, this is what he has done, and we have to want to know him, we have to be on that road that probably won't ever end toward knowing him. Not that we can muster it up ourselves, and this explains so much. If evangelism is the end, if stepping into "the ministry of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 2:20) is the end that we're trying to get to, we won't ever really because our heart won't ever be there. The end has to be the Lord, it has to be knowing the Lord and loving him and when he's where our heart's at, it's not an obligation anymore. It's in everything we do. And I wonder if, when we start running after God and longing to know him better, we'll find ourselves living evangelism instead of just doing it. I think we're meant to live it. This makes me think of part of a song by Mumford & Sons: "Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

This is all a jumble and it's by no means exhaustive and certainly this comes out of a very specific context with specific challenges (and things that have been helpful as well). I've been learning all this over two years and I don't expect to be done learning any time soon--I want to know what you think, how you understand evangelism. Tell me your thoughts, people.

and new start to evangelism

This post is about being an awkward kid, something I have fully accepted, don't usually notice anymore and when I do, have begun to refer as being 'functionally awkward.' It's also about evangelism and mostly about plain old people interaction.

Today's been my really in my head day. I flew back Friday but spent all my time hanging out with my friend and his mom and then did a couple of support raising meetings and drove the few hours home, so today and yesterday were my be-the-introvert-in-the-cave and get-a-bunch-of-stuff-for-support-raising-done days. And so when I went to rent a movie and get some groceries I talked the minimal necessary to still have good manners and, as I said, pretty much stayed in my own head.

And then one of the people who worked at the grocery store, a guy who looked about my age came up to me and at first he asked me if he could bag my groceries (I only had three, all in one bag) and then came back much more directly and asked about my shirt. Now I was wearing a shirt I got my freshman year and it's actually got a quote from something I wrote on the front for some monologues our chapter put on. He was telling me he really liked it and it's about God and so I figure it's reasonable that he might have been a Christian, but I'll tell you what, my brain was somewhere else entirely and I could barely think of what to say. Just that it was from some monologues. Not, oh do you go to church around here? or some other less awkward way of asking, how do you feel about Jesus? On most days I would have asked the church question probably.

So then there was Saturday. I had just walked into the Barnes & Noble cafe to meet a friend and it was super busy so right as I headed for the last table left a little old lady sat down and how do you steal a table from an old lady? So as I was standing there figuring out what to do a man sitting near me who I swear sounded just like Luis Palau started explaining that there were places to sit upstairs and I thanked him and he told me to have a blessed day. And of course I got all giddy and wanted to sit down and have a conversation with him--to be fair, as I might have with anyone who'd had an accent like his or if he'd been reading We the Living or Life of Pi or something--but instead just sort of awkwardly meandered away. Once I was upstairs I said once I headed back down if he was still there I'd talk to him but of course he was gone.

Now, I wanted to write about how on the last night of our training in Madison, there was a commissioning ceremony and those of us going to overseas placements were prayed for and all that. When I was up there, the woman who was praying for me prayed that even though I love discipleship, that--well I don't know how to say except how she said, that she prayed the gift of evangelism over me. I love evangelism. Not the way I love discipleship, and it's certainly something that's grown on me, that I've grown into. I'll say hands down that it wasn't something I picked, it was something God picked for me and he doesn't seem to be letting me go of it. Not that I want to, but it keeps coming up like this and I really do believe that God's got something big with this planned and it'll be interesting to see what he does. Who knew?

To relate the two, I don't mean to say that striking up a conversation with someone else who appears to also be a Christian is strictly evangelism, although I will say that it's good even for Christians to hear good news. That's just something fun. It's like finding out you had another family member you didn't know about, generally. But the idea of being on my toes and ready to engage at any moment--what if the guy in the grocery store was someone who wasn't a Christian but liked talk of God being like a father (the quote on my shirt is something like this), had really related to that quote in Fight Club when Brad Pitt says "Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?"

I guess what I'm talking about is being able to ask good questions. I don't mean proselytizing or anything like that, I just mean good questions, good conversation. In the grocery store or at church or with a student in Romania. And as much as I wouldn't have guessed it, this really is something I want to grow into, to learn to do well.

post-rockbridge thoughts (including a lesson in latin)

I've been back from Rockbridge for something like a day and a half, and while I've spent most of it in a cave recovering from being super social for a week, I don't feel quite ready to jump back into the real world. I'm not quite sure how to articulate that, but the best way I can explain it now is that the night I got back I checked my email and there was so much to respond to and almost immediately I felt like I was running behind on it all. Our schedules at camp are packed to the very brim, but it's a different kind of busy-ness here in the real world, and right now I'm feeling like I would trade it all in a minute.

Camp was good in a different way than it's ever been, at least for me. I did the small group leader track and it was great. I've said before that I'm not a very critical reader without being prompted with questions and I feel like this week helped a lot, gave me a good structure with which to look at whatever I'm reading. Already that structure is disappearing and becoming unconscious. Better than all of that, though, was my actual small group. I'm not sure what to say about it, but it was probably the best one I've ever been in. The whole thing felt like a part of something so much bigger than it normally feels like and it made me especially excited to be coming on Link staff. In fact, toward the beginning of the week, someone asked me if I was a student or staff and I had no idea what to say because I'm not really either right now and it horrifies to think I don't look fifteen anymore. Maybe horrifies is too strong a word... Still kind of crazy, though.

I think the biggest part of the week, though, was just realizing I won't be here next year for any of this. I won't be able work at things and help the evangelism team and just generally take care of people. It sounds ridiculous to type out. God was working in this chapter before I got here and will continue to do so long after I leave, but I guess the process is entrusting that to him. The part about all of this that surprised me most was the very last day, nothing left but worship before we all went home, my staffworker came up to me and said something and all of it just hit me at once, that really this is the end of it and it's being passed along to other people who will go on taking care of people, through whom God will do awesome things. And who knew? I'm not a crier, but for a couple minutes there, I was.

However however however, the best part of all of this is the students--my friends--that will still be here. I'm thinking of two girls who are gonna lead an amazing small group. I'm thinking of people who actually want to share the Lord with their friends, one in particular who sat talking with me about his friend for something like an hour because he cares about her so much, and who knew a year ago that this is what it would look like? This whole evangelism thing? It's such a heavy word, its connotations aren't always good ones, but this is it, this is what it is. And they've got it. When did that happen? More than anything else I'm excited about these things, and in the midst of being ready to move on to the next thing in my life--Romania for sure now--I know the things I'm leaving are going to go on well and I can't imagine anything better to leave with than that.

I'm not sure how to end this, but I read a couple of days ago this phrase in Latin: dum spiro spero. It means while I breathe, I hope. The coolest part of that is how close breathing and hoping are. Spiro like respirate, spero like esperar. I don't know nearly enough about Latin to know if the connection goes any further than just being a letter apart. The word spirit comes from the same root that spiro comes from. So does aspire, the definition of which dictionary.com tells me is:

"To long, aim, or seek ambitiously; be eagerly desirous, esp. for something great or of high value."

Sounds like hoping to me. Sounds like a good way to leave all of this, hoping like breathing.

some thoughts on evangelism

"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a wordly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin fo rus, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
--2 Corinthians 5:14-21

I'm not going to break this passage apart too much, but I think there are some important things we can get out of it about why we share the good news of Christ. First, exactly like it says: 'For Christ's love compels us.' We share because we are compeled to, because Christ's love for us makes it necessary that we do so. Later, it says 'we implore you.' We beg you, we beseech you.

Compel, implore. This is pretty urgent language. I think this is what was trying to be communicated Friday night, and I agree with that completely. At some point--and probably at many points--we will hear messages about 'what if you wake up tomorrow and get in a car accident?' or 'what if your friend dies suddenly?' and either you've never accepted Christ or your friend hasn't.

BUT--and I think this part is important and needs to be very clear--salvation is the Lord's and the Lord's only. The eternal souls of the people we care about and of anyone are not in our hands. We are called to share the gospel, yes. 'On Christ's behalf.' We are commanded to go and make disciples. If we love our neighbor, we will also share Christ with him, and we do so no because God needs us to, not because if we don't we're condemning people to hell, but because we have a chance to be a part of glorifying God. If we don't, God will still be glorified, his plans will still be made complete and perfect, we just might have forfeited our part there. Like in Luke 19, if no one praises the Lord, then even 'the stones will cry out.'

I don't say this to say that we don't have to evangelize. We do. The Bible is very clear about this. Matthew 28:19-20, 2 Timothy 4:1-5, all through Acts and a bunch of other places. However, if anyone tells you that if you don't do this and this, then so-and-so will reject Christ and it is your fault, then I would respond to him: the Bible does not say that. Yes. We are called to share the gospel. We are compeled to do so. But not out of guilt and fear, and it is no more in our power to condemn than to save. And our God is so much bigger than that. He can't save this person if we don't do this and this? True that they can still reject him, but the only person who can reject God is that person. And in fact, I'd say that God's more about using how imperfectly we share the gospel in our words and how we live. You see? It's not in our power. 2 Cor. 12:9: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the moer gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

So. Please don't misunderstand me. I thought Friday was wonderful. And I thought the intentions were to glorify the Lord, to call people to share the good news, and these are wonderful things. However, they are because of Christ's love, not out of fear or guilt: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 And the great thing about Friday? The message could have been either of those things, it could have been the best message ever or a train wreck and still God would use it! He is, he already is!

And to that I would say: praise God. Praise God that he is working good things out of everything we give him and that he will be glorified. And that's what we want to do. We just want to glorify God.

general thoughts about lent, the proxe station, and ''relinquish''

Well, it is Lent. Both my roommates and I are doing it this year (first time for me) and one of them has been writing about it. They're pretty funny--you can read them here. All three of us have given up facebook. I gave up Sun Drop as well.

Giving up facebook has been much better this go around. Last time I missed getting on it, was counting the days I had left, and ended up giving in a little bit early. This time, I don't know. I was looking forward to having the excuse to not get on, something to keep from doing it out of habit or not being able to sit still for too long. And the funny thing is, while the notifications I'm still getting in my email make me miss the ease with which I can keep in touch with friends who aren't around here, it has otherwise felt freeing. That's the word, the exact one. It's a funny thing. I'm not bound to facebook anymore. It sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but it's exactly what it feels like. Craziest thing. And I've been reading so much in the last week. I've gone through a book and a half already.

That said, all this giving up makes me think about it outside of the application of it, makes me think about it in theory, the ideology of the whole thing. This was part of the point of the evangelism event. Ideally it would have led to in-depth conversations about the giving up of Christ by the Father. With the exception of one fascinating conversation with a grown man and his son who at least came from a very churched background, mostly people stayed on the surface of everything. It's an interesting thing I've noticed about our campus, and we'll have to be much more creative. We're laid back, for sure, but it lends itself to passivity and if there's one word to describe our campus, it's definitely passive. I think about campuses like UNC and how much more active they are. Ours is more along the thought of it could be one way or another, and eh. I don't mean to criticize. I like the relaxed feel of our campus. I think people are more content here. But I also know passivity can be dangerous. Just thoughts.

The man with the son noticed that most of the stickers on our tri-fold (the questions were what would you give up, why, and where/how would you get the strength/motivation to do so) said things like soda and junk food. I think it's really important to live healthily. However, the man said that it seemed like everything people said they wanted to give up seemed like things that were more superficial, as opposed to things like bad relationships or worrying. And then he went on to say that no one had answered their life. He wrote that on there and said he'd be willing to give it up for his family and that his motivation would be that, well, he wouldn't even have to think about it, it's just something he would do automatically because he loved his family so much. And we were all like, yes! That's exactly what we're trying to communicate and then we got into a brief discussion about what that looked like on the cross.

We called the proxe station Relinquish. The event didn't turn out the way we thought it would, and as two of us watched from a distance and prayed for the team, for the people who we would talk to, we also prayed that we wouldn't be discouraged by that. I know that God is working on this campus and I see a group of students who want to be a part of that, who want to learn to do it better and better. We know that it is in his power that people come to him and we will meet him in that.

What's left is thoughts about what giving up something truly truly hard to relinquish would be like. And I'm not talking about sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice, doing so in order to see if you can--I'll admit that mostly that's what not drinking Sun Drop's about. I'm talking about things that will bring you closer to God. I'm new at Lent and maybe this misses the whole point of it, and I certainly embrace a motivator to get me to give up crappy eating habits and way too much caffeine, but it's exciting to think about what it would look like to live all year long in the mindset that says to let go of the things that would keep you from the Lord.

So, five days in, we'll see.